A Book Review: True Love in a World of False Hope

Castleman, Robbie. True Love in a World of False Hope: Sex, Romance & Real People. Downer’s Grove: InterVarsity Press, 1996. 178 pp.


In the beginning, God said that it was not good for man to be alone, so he created woman, and today we are more than mildly confused about this thing sex. In her book, True Love in a World of False Hope, Robbie Castleman aims to answer many of the common questions that Christians face regarding sex, love and marriage. Her style is engaging and humorous, yet marked by a sincerity and sobriety concerning truth.
From a counseling perspective, Robbie Castleman is amply qualified to author a book about evangelical sexual ethics, for she has been counseling men and women for years. Much of what she writes stems from various cases that she has encountered. She is also apparently qualified from a theological perspective, because she is an associate professor of biblical studies at John Brown University.
The basic outline and content of Robbie Castleman’s book is summarized in the following paragraphs. In the prologue and first chapter, Castleman establishes the fact that we are no longer living in Eden and that people and relationships are no longer perfect. In fact, they are often quite complicated. However, even though people are now fallen, Castleman informs the reader that sex is not inherently bad and that God is not embarrassed by it because he created sexual beings. That being said, dating is not necessarily something from which to shy away, because we can build our trust in God through relationships, even ones that are potentially romantic in nature. In the following chapter, Castleman further explains the nature of human sexuality within God’s creation and how it is not good for Christians to deny that sexuality. Rather, we must acknowledge it for what it is, a good gift from God whose expression is to be disciplined.
In the next chapter, Robbie gives us a healthy dose of reality by confirming that there is no “perfect” person for anyone. This is a reminder that our ultimate satisfaction can only come from God. However, even though there is no perfect relationship, there are “just right” relationships amongst men and women who are being sanctified in the Spirit. In seeking this relationship, we need to remember to KYEOJ (Keep Your Eyes On Jesus). Although men and women are very different, Robbie Castleman reminds us that we are created in the image of God. Therefore, there is no opposite sex, only an other sex, and as Christians, we are all part of the family of God.
Because we are all of the family of God, the next chapters are focused on how Christian singles should relate to one another. First, we need to speak the truth to one another in love, otherwise, we might come to misunderstandings with one another. For men and women to act as if they belong to each other without speaking truly about the nature and direction of the relationship is tantamount to emotional fornication. This can be avoided by honestly discussing the relationship and by building a friendship. Castleman offers three questions to ask yourself when talking to that special someone. 1. Is it true? 2. Is it necessary? 3. Is it loving? (70) If people ask these questions before they speak, much heartache will be prevented.
The next relationship indicator that Castleman examines is that of time. How do you spend your time together? Do you need to know each others’ schedules? Are you being courteous? Distraction is not necessarily bad; it is being consumed with and by the relationship that is sinful. After time, Robbie Castleman looks to the physicality of relationships. Not underestimating the reality of temptation, she offers four rules of conduct to help burgeoning relationships refrain from falling into sin. First, Four Feet On the Floor (100). This will deter the temptation that comes from snuggling. Second, No Clothes Off (102). It is more difficult to sin when everybody keeps all of their clothes on and completely fastened. Third, No Erotic Fondling (104). This rule is rather self-explanatory. Finally, No French Kissing (107). Kissing is inherently erotic and is one of the most intimate physical expressions of romantic love.
If a person has already lost their way and desires to get back to purity, Castleman has hope for them as well. Often times, however, this will include starting a relationship over, as though from the beginning. There is forgiveness to be found, and Robbie looks to Philippians 3 as an example of an apostle who, despite past failures, was forgetting that past and pressing on toward the prize of the gospel. Just as Paul was forgetting his past, so should other people who have fallen into sin and desire to leave that sin. In the next chapter, Castleman balances the need for forgiveness with the story of God’s grace shown to David and Bathsheba.
As she comes to the conclusion of the substance of her book, Robbie Castleman brings us back to the reality that, even if everything is right with both the man and a woman, sex might not always be great. Sometimes it will be difficult or painful, but God gives grace to work through these issues. Lastly, how do you know when you are in love? The answer, according to Castleman, is by knowing what true love is. Love is not a noun; love is a verb, and the best definition is found in 1 Corinthians 13. Compare that to your “love” and you will know the answer.
True Love in a World of False Hope is a book chocked full of good advice and helpful hints on how to maintain oneself with sexual purity. Castleman’s anecdotes from her own life experiences and counseling cases demonstrates the inherent value of her wisdom. Chapter 8, which focuses on the physicality of relationships offers four useful guidelines to keep from going too far. They are rules that every couple pursuing a romantic relationship should consider and probably implement.
Robbie Castleman also presents a realistic vision of the state of the world. She debunks the myth that there is one right or “perfect” match for each person. Since every person is sinful, this is impossible. But it is even possible that there could be more than one person who is right for you. Castleman also assumes that sexual temptation will not be easy to face and gives good counsel for preserving purity.
The emphasis given to the necessity for truth within relationships is invaluable. Too often, people assume that hiding and masking important facts or feelings will help the relationship progress. But this is absolutely false, as Castleman attests. Solid relationships can only be founded upon truth, with both people speaking the truth to one another in love. All in all, Robbie Castleman’s guidelines are founded upon common wisdom and are sound advice. Many people would be much happier, or least find less heartache, if they would listen to Castleman’s insight.
But for all of its good moral advice, True Love in a World of False Hope fails to communicate some core issues that every book on Christian sexual ethics should address. These issues are (1) the centrality of Christ and the gospel in every area of life, particularly in the realm of Christian dating and marriage, (2) the Christian life within the context of the local church and (3) the necessity and practicality of repentance. Castleman also presents a one-sided view of sexual immorality—that it will be disappointing and dissatisfying. Almost all of her counseling anecdotes are stories of people who came to saying that they had failed and regretted it terribly. Castleman does not deny the reality of infidelity, but underestimates its powerful attraction. If regret were the only thing that followed fornication, fewer people would be unfaithful, and chastity would be much easier. However, there are also many case of people who have committed fornication or adultery and thoroughly enjoyed the experience. This is where biblical teaching must be applied and where the challenge for sanctification is greater.
My first accusation is that Robbie Castleman fails to underscore the centrality of Christ and the gospel in every area of life. This book does not address how sexual purity maintains the purity of the church or how it glorifies Christ. Nor does the book address how physical adultery is a painful symbol of Israel’s spiritual adultery against God. If the only goal of physical purity is to lead a better, more moral life, then that goal has been set too low. However, if physical purity is maintained for the sake of the gospel, so that it should not be maligned, then this is a worthy goal. Physical purity can never be an aim unto itself. Many cultures prize sexual purity, but they do not prize the gospel with their “purity.” Castleman also fails to reinforce the truth that physical purity can only be accomplished through the blood of Christ. It is in Christ that we are pure, and not because of any plan of action that we may take before or after salvation.
Second, Castleman undermines Christ’s plan for his people, that is to live out the gospel within the context of the local church. It is in the local church that love is shown and sanctification for all the saints occurs. In one example that Castleman gives (chapter 9), Castleman tells of how she led one couple to restoration after sexual impurity, but all of this was done apart from the authority of the local church. Sex is not private; it is communal in that every member of the body affects the other members of the body. Therefore, it is difficult for restoration to be private. Paul spends much of his letters to the Corinthians instructing the church at Corinth on how to deal with sexual immorality. Castleman does not follow Paul’s example and instead tells the couple to “restart” their relationship. If sexual immorality, which is a public sin, is not handled within the church, then the purity of the church and its testimony to the world is harmed.
Third, Robbie Castleman leaves repentance undefined. She does imply that repentance is necessary when sin has occurred, but her version of repentance looks mostly like regret. If we are left only with regret and tears, we might possibly be left with a sorrow that leads only to death. Because sexual sin is serious, the practicalities of repentance and the discipline, not punishment, that comes as a result must be made very clear. A low view of sin and repentance leads to a low view of Christ and the cross, and all must be done to give a high view of Christ. A seemingly severe repentance and disciplining, however harsh it may seem, can lead to the most glorious restorations of fellowship—not only between the two people who have sinned, but also within the body, the Bride of Christ, the Church.
Castleman also wrongly interprets Philippians 3 (124-125). The assumption is that Paul is describing his regrets over his past sinful life but is now working to forget those things, striving for the inheritance that he has in Christ Jesus. But a quick look at the context shows that Paul is not describing his wretchedness in the flesh. Philippians 3:4-7 is not a catalogue of Paul’s guilt; he is describing the overwhelming favor of position and knowledge that he had within the Jewish nation. Paul is reciting the story of how he had done everything correctly, according to the flesh, to win God’s favor. Verses four, six, and seven clue us in to this. In verse four, Paul declares that he had more reason for confidence in the flesh than most everyone else. In six, he says that he was blameless according to the law. Finally, in verse seven, Paul says that whatever he had counted as gain, he now counts as loss for the sake of Christ. This is not the language of someone who is haunted by their past and is making a limping effort to overcome that so that they might do some good for the kingdom of God. This is the language of a person who is out to prove that there is nothing that is done according to the flesh that is pleasing to God; only a consuming trust and obedience to Christ is worthwhile. This would be rather unimportant, but this passage is foundational to one of Robbie Castleman’s key arguments. Her writings on the possibility of renewal are founded on her interpretation of Philippians 3, and everything that she says within that chapter after her explanation is undermined by her poor exegesis.
Some side issues include some questionable advice on how to seek God’s will. Rather than pointing people to Scripture, she exhorts us to search for signs and progress (155). However, the Word of God is clear that it is sufficient for understanding the will of God, and all impressions and signs must be brought back to Scripture and compared to see if they are indeed in accordance with the clear teaching of the Word of God.
Finally, Castleman’s theology is directionally faulty. She would send us back to Eden and hold it as the goal of our purified sexuality. However, Scripture is clear that we are not to be seeking Eden, which has fallen away; rather, we are to look to the coming of the kingdom of God when there will be a new heaven and a new earth and Christ shall reign as the risen Lord over all. This focus links Castleman and Eden in a very specific way—both only hint at Christ but do not portray the fulfillment of all history, of all things, in Him. This is the fatal flaw of True Love in a World of False Hope. Chapters upon chapters about how we are to relate to one another as sexual beings compared to a simple KYEOJ reveals the focus of True Love in a World of False Hope. Jesus has become a grace note to embellish the musical canon of our relationships with one another.